Know Your People

One of the most important things a manager can do to build a strong team is to know their people. This goes beyond just knowing the strengths and weaknesses that fit them to various kinds of work. It’s also about knowing their preferences for their work environment, recognition, and motivation. It’s about knowing what – and who – is important to them, and showing honor and respect to their values.

But what if they’re reserved? It can be hard to know your people when they won’t share with you.

Here are a few tips for dealing with direct reports who are reserved.

1️⃣ Don’t make it your goal to “open them up.” People generally don’t like to be pried. Instead, consider how you might become a person more worth opening up to. How can you demonstrate more trust than they’ve seen? What might it look like for you to model “low-stakes” vulnerability? Which of your own challenges or limitations can you share without burdening them?

2️⃣ Consciously focus your 1:1s more on them as a person and less on the work. They still set the agenda, and they may want to talk about work. But you can still ask about how different kinds of work affect them. Find out what they found fulfilling or exciting, or what they found tedious or energy-draining.

3️⃣ Notice patterns in their behavior. Where do they take initiative? What prompts them to speak up? What causes a change in their body language?

4️⃣ Ask honest, curious questions, but first clarify that your goal is to understand and serve them, not to judge them. Find out how they believe they best receive feedback or how they like to receive support when work is difficult. Test any patterns you noticed in their behavior and any conclusions you may have drawn. Invite them to make observations of their own or correct your understanding of what their behavior means.

Most importantly, be patient. The harder you try to dig in quickly, the more tightly they are likely to hold on to their silence. But when you create a safe environment for them to open up, and you model the “low-stakes” vulnerability that you’re looking for, you can learn how to serve even the quietest of team members.